


Ten Plus Two (10 + 2)

by disaronnus



Series: Ten Plus Two [1]
Category: Stargate Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Compliant, Embedded Images, Episode: s01e05 Light, Episode: s01e07 Earth, Episode: s02e12 Twin Destinies, Experimental Style, Gen, Implied Slash, Inner Dialogue, M/M, Mention of character deaths (but no one in particular), Nicholas Rush's geology notes, Present Tense, Stream of Consciousness, Swearing, flaunting standard rules of grammar, prose masking as verse, verse masking as prose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-23 05:13:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11396034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disaronnus/pseuds/disaronnus
Summary: Some things can't be put into words





	Ten Plus Two (10 + 2)

**Author's Note:**

> My first published fic ever. Coming back to fiction after years focused on creative nonfiction and poetry, which no doubt shows. Bit of an experiment, meant to be fractured and weird, not least because it's representing the inside of a character's mind and their thought processes. I don't even know where some of it came from - definitely an instance of scraping feelings off my chest. Well if any scene were made for this kind of treatment, it'd be this one.
> 
> This fic assumes that the crew was actually able to safely dial home in "Twin Destinies," leaving behind Rush and Young plus their (approx) 10 volunteers to carry on with Destiny's mission. Hence Rush and Young speaking to the crew is treated as canon.
> 
> Quoted dialogue (whether used verbatim, paraphrased, or chopped up/stitched back together) has been taken from episodes "Twin Destinies," "Light," and "Earth." Also: have incorporated a few images and definitions. Citations for everything in end notes.
> 
> Profound gratitude to [antheiasilva](http://archiveofourown.org/users/antheiasilva/pseuds/antheiasilva), OTF extraordinaire, who's responsible for getting me into Stargate Universe, and subsequently writing fic (after a decade spent lurking around various fandoms).

 

When Rush hears the words out of Young's mouth,

he thinks: (first)

_fuck_

(second)

_what?_

(third)

 

He is (almost) never without thoughts,

or words, (or numbers)

or response or parry but here he is, at what has to be the most important moment of his life—one of the most important, definitely, top three, at least,

  1. ~~solving his first math equation (age 6)~~ 1\. right now

  2. ~~making it to Destiny (age 48)~~ 2\. Destiny

  3. ~~this moment (age 50~~ )3. equation




and all he can do is stand here,

speechless,

staring at his ~~nemesis~~ ~~rival~~ ~~obstacle~~ ~~crewmate~~ ~~ally~~ ? a bit stupidly he is sure _scratch that very stupid_ while his heart does this strange fluttering thing in his chest and his brain tries to process Young's words, it tries, but it can only spin, an endless whirl 

_y u m d nd m m lu s p smyon danmeee                                                                                         yulsme eu usppl s_

_l mmmmmmm Pus e y mu Ps l P L                                                                                         ssssssnnnDDuuuOOooo o LLLll  AAAAAAAA ooeeeemmmmm  
_

_Ps ou_

_ooooopolussssnnnnn                                                                                                        uuuuuuyyyyyssssssmmmme_

_dddddddd                                                                                                    dddddouo_

_e aaaAAAA mmmmm                                                                                                                   mmmmoooyyyy_

_eeemmmmmyyy                                                                                                           llllllllPSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSe_

_sssssdaaaUUU_

_nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnDDDDDDDDDdaaaa                                                                                                     yyyyyyYYYYYPPPLSoemm_

_Y oemmmpllsss                                                                                                         Plllllll mdddddddmmmmnnnnnnnn_

_yyyyyyDDDDDmM_

_ynaePly                                                                                                                                                                 eeoeessuuuunlnndddPPP_

 

_sssU0yyyDMmLLLLLLLLLppppppppp     Plpllllllllllllllllls pls_ |

 

until

his

brain

finally

 

_CTRL + ALT + DEL_

 

His brain finally catches.

_Plus you and me?_

 

Does not compile.

It does not compile,

it does not solve it does not _make sense_

because

this morning:

 

            Young (Colonel) (Everett)                                Him (Nicholas) (Rush) (Dr.)

  _I was all aboard                                              You said_ (You said you said)

_with this                                                         you_

_you know that.                                               understood_

_But if the ship can't fly,_ (It can) _how important_

_there is no mission._ (There is!)   _this mission_

_It's not like we're just giving up here.             was._ (You said.)

_I did.                                                              So what’s changed._

_My first responsibility                                     We can get through this_ (We can)

_is                                                                   they_

_the safety of these people.                              are just being_

_…                                                                   defeatist!_

_I’m sorry.                                                         …_

_Yeah, right._ (Should've known)

 

But he hadn't known,      not really,

hadn't understood      how much it

mattered how much he      needed it

until it was gone,         their ~~faith~~ trust;

til he was gutted _,_      just _gutted_ ,

because afterwards:      (worse by far)

 

            Q: _Could you tell me where else I've been banned from_

            A: _Pretty much any place that you can push buttons_

           

            Explanation: _We had to make sure you didn't lock us out of the dialing programs_

 

            (the thought never even crossed his mind)

 

And yet

somehow

several hours on

here they are:

not even an arm’s length apart,

and

he had said _I need a number_ | and he had said _I'll say a dozen_ | and he had said _Plus you and me?_

 

and

 

He knows there is a term for this.

...

...

...

* * *

**Cognitive Dissonance**

In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort (psychological stress) experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. The occurrence of cognitive dissonance is a consequence of a person's performing an action that contradicts personal beliefs, ideals, and values; and also occurs when confronted with new information that contradicts said beliefs, ideals, and values.

In _A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance_ (1957), Leon Festinger proposed that human beings strive for internal psychological consistency in order to mentally function in the

* * *

 e.g.

_But if the ship can’t fly there is no mission_                                     | _Plus you and me?_

_My first responsibility is the safety of these people_                            | _Plus you and me?_

_I’m sorry_ | _Plus you and me?_

_We had to make sure you didn't lock us out of the dialing programs_ | _Plus you and me?_

 

He wonders if it will always be like this between them.

Always in tension, always the uncertainty;

which way will they slip this time?

 

Because

this

exactly

yes

is what they are:

_**f** **ault:** the surface along which two blocks of the earth slip past each other  _

the area where two tectonic plates

two opposing forces meet;

the line of fault

running

straight down the middle,

poised to move

poised to shift

at any moment.

 

Sometimes a little.

Sometimes a lot.

 

But each time, a release of stress.

 

Until it builds again.

 

He had told Young:

_I’ll say a dozen_

 

A dozen. A dozen is

 

_12_

_12_ +

_12 + 2_

_12 + 2 = 14 - 3 = 11 + 9 = 18 + 6 =_ ~~_24 >12 _ ~~ _18 - 6 = 12 - 2 = 10 + 2 = 12 - 2_

_= 10_

______

_10_

 

Q: _Plus you and me?_

A: _No, including us_ (us = you + me) (= 1 + 1 = 2) (2 + 10 = 12 = 10 + 2)

 

He says it aloud:

_No, including us._

 

and

 

Young responds: (instantly; matter-of-fact)

_So, ten._

 

10 + 2

 

As though it is the most natural thing in the world.

 

As though there couldn't possibly be any other outcome.

 

As though this isn’t how it's going to happen,

at long last,

not in some life-or-death shenanigan

or enemy incursion

or kidnapping-torture

or spacewalk-gone-awry

or empty quest for revenge across an alien desert,

 

not even some sleep-deprived, food-deprived, caffeine- and nicotine-deprived craze,

no, none of these,

because it is

Young

_(fucking)_

Colonel

_(fucking)_

Everett

who is finally going to break him,

telling him

(Nicholas) (Rush) (Dr.)

without a warning

how he’s giving up

his chance to go home,

how he is staying

behind,

here.

 

On Destiny.

 

1 +1

 

2 + 10

 

10 + 2

 

_Plus you and me?_ | _No, including us._ | _So, ten._

 

Q: Has he ever really _seen_ Young?

A: No, he is seeing the man in front of him for the first time,

and

his heart is racing,

and he has no idea what to say

and he has no idea what to do

and _he doesn’t have time he doesn’t have time_ _ **he doesn’t have**_ _**time**_ in about 5 minutes he will be addressing a room of

            80

            (no, how many have died / disappeared)

            80 - 10? 15? 20? → ((10 + 15 + 20) / 3) = ~65

people and he needs to convince at least 10 to give up everything and everyone they care about maybe (probably) for the rest of their lives to travel the universe on a damaged, derelict spacecraft and risk

            1) malnutrition (/starvation)

            2) deprivation (no coffee; no cigarettes)

            3) battle

            4) injury

            5) torture

            6) abduction

            7) disease

            8) death

            9) etc

all in service of a mysterious mission;

a mission more than a million years old;

a mission begun by a ~~vanished~~ alien people and his hands are trembling, they are shaking, they make the sheet of paper he's holding rustle and _fucking finally_ it gives him the jolt he needs

 

_CTRL + ALT + DEL_

 

He says: (first)

_Look_

(second)

_I've written down_

(third)

_most of what I intend to say_.

 

(Not most; everything. _Everything_ ).

 

(fourth)

_If you've got_ _anything_

(fifth)

_you might want to add—_

 

and

 

and

 

he holds the paper out.

 

He holds the paper out.

 

The paper with his speech,

his words,

the paper

he had fallen asleep with

just now. (He hadn’t intended to fall asleep) (He never does)

 

The paper he had woken up clutching,

woken up cradling

against his chest,

against his heart,

because that's what this is, isn't it,

not just his words, no,

no, _this is his fucking heart_ he's holding out, here:

 

_Here, Young (Colonel) (Everett),_

_go on take my heart_

_have a look won't you_

_go on add something_

_if you care to_

 

(Appalling, is is horrifying, and he tries to take it back he tries to take it all back ~~CTRL+Z CTRL+Z CTRL+Z~~ _but it’s too late, it's too fucking late_ )

 

Once

he had told Young: (a year ago)

_My life’s work was to be here_

_This ship_

_Coming here_

(Or something like that)

 

Young had said:

nothing

nothing

_I should've listened to you sooner_

(Not the point) (but yes)

then: (later)

_Unless you knew_

 

(and he had known: _he doesn't get it he doesn't get it_ _he will never. get. it.)_

 

So:

this time:

which way will they move?

which way will they shift?

 

Which way will they slip,

this time?

 

Young takes a step next to him

and

he barely glances at it,

the paper,

he barely looks down,

he doesn't even read it _of course, why bother, it’s only_ _his fucking heart, here_ _,_ _nothing worth looking at, here_ _,_ and

and

he looks at him

and

he says: (first)

_So_

(second)

_I'll speak when you're done._

                                            [He has heard Young’s speeches before.

_We are going to survive._ (Questionable)

_We are going to make it home._ (Questionable)

_My first priority is to make sure_

_that we all return_ (Impossible)

_to those we love._ (Irrelevant) (No one to return to) ~~(No one he loves anymore)~~ ] ~~  
~~

(third)

_But just so we're clear—_

(fourth)

_if we don't get the ten volunteers—_

 

Young says:

_If_ _**we** _ _don't get the ten volunteers_

 

_If we_

We

We (=1 + 1 = 2)

Possessive form of we (genitive plural) = our

...

...

~~_Destiny’s_ ~~

~~_his_ ~~

our

our

mission

...

...

We

will

We will

 

_We will_

 

so

 

he says it aloud. (Because they will)

 

And so this:

this is the way

they slip this time.

Young looks at him

Young looks at him closely

and he says:

_Okay._

 

_Okay_.

 

(that might be the most surprising thing of all)

 

Young says:

_Okay_

and then

he inclines his head

and

he smiles.

 

He smiles.

 

Young smiles, and no, _that_ ,

that is most surprising of all

(and years later,

when Rush looks back,

he'll look back and

he'll be able to say:

_oh_

_that,_

_that was the start)_

 

(because some things can't be put into words)

 

So Young smiles

and

Rush can't think,

he can't speak,

his brain is stuck, yet again,

his brain is fucking stuck and he's trying to re-start but before he can

Young turns

 

Young turns

and is gone.

 

-

 

Later though,

Rush will stand

in the gateroom

he will stand on

the gateroom stairs

and

Young will stand

next to him

and

they will say:

_I can’t hope to do it alone         I joined Stargate Command for a reason_

_I ask you to come with me        so I too_

_If we abandon her now            am willing_

_there’ll be no coming back       to stay aboard._

 

(some things can be put into words)

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Brand new to [tumblr](https://disaronnus.tumblr.com/). Come find me, looking for people to follow. 
> 
> Citations:
> 
> Server Error in "/" Application message: image is my own creation
> 
> Cognitive Dissonance definition: Wikipedia contributors. "Cognitive dissonance." Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, 1 Jul. 2017. Web. 5 Jul. 2017  
> (Hmmmm. Rush should be careful relying on Wikipedia for information.)
> 
> Fault diagram: At some point during his academic career, Rush took a geology class. Apparently it made an impression. This image is from his class notes. (Image is actually my own creation.) It represents a (right-lateral) strike-slip fault, as though you were looking at the earth's surface from above. Bonus points if you figured out what it was.
> 
> Fault (aka fault plane) definition: definition is paraphrased and in my (Rush's) own words, but ultimately derived from the US Geological Survey website. (Note that Rush's take on faults and earthquakes glosses over a few things - like the fact that most but not all earthquakes happen on faults located along tectonic plate boundaries. whaddya want, it's a metaphor.)
> 
> Again about quoted dialogue: some of it got tweaked, shortened, jumbled together. The below citations show the quoted dialogue in its form from my fic, not how it was said in the tv show.
> 
> Dialogue (as used in the fic) from s02e12 "Twin Destinies":  
> Plus you and me?  
> I need a number.  
> I'll say a dozen.  
> No, including us.  
> So, ten.  
> Look I've written down most of what I intend to say. If you've got anything you might want to add--  
> So I'll speak when you're done. But just so we're clear if we don't get the ten volunteers--  
> We will.  
> Okay.  
> Could you tell me where else I've been banned from...  
> Pretty much any place that you can push buttons.  
> We had to make sure you didn't lock us out of the dialing programs.  
> (the thought never even crossed his mind)  
> I can't hope to do it alone. I ask you to come with me. If we abandon her now there'll be no coming back.  
> I joined Stargate Command for a reason so I too am willing to stay aboard.
> 
> Dialogue (as used in the fic) from s01e05 "Light":  
> Unless you knew.  
> My life’s work was to be here. This ship. Coming here.  
> I should've listened to you sooner.
> 
> Dialogue (as used in the fic) from s01e07 "Earth":  
> We are going to survive. We are going to make it home. My first priority is to make sure that we all return to those we love.


End file.
